i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
