well I can't set my house on fire every night
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
