I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
