Umm I'm too high to move.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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