the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
