i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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