I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Say something about gay babies.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
