i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
