dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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