I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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