I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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