You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
