My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
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we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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