Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
