im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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