after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Randomize
