OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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