he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
