There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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