when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
