I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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