She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
