my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
