i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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