Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
