im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
