I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
