I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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