OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
my liver is dry heaving
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
