I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My dick has a subreddit
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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