i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
