i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When are your genitals available?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
