True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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