I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
