i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
