i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
this boner is exhausting
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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