its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
