the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
tell me about the fingering
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