god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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