remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
