Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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