Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
