I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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