Where did you get a picture of my penis
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
