Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
