Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
