Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
