oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
