she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Come share oat with me in your robe
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
