drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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