Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize