I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
