This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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