We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
