You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
