I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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