This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
