I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
