He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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